I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
