is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
