So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
