my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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