I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
