So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
so let's talk penis.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
