hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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