Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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