The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
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