Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
