Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
