We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
