I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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