Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
