He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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