dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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