Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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