My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Still dying that you shit outside
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
