My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
