Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
What drink are we having for lunch?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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