I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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