did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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