I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
