she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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