EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
