I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
