I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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