"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
My life is pants optional.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
