There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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