I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
