I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
