take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize