Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
