I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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