the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
