I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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