I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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