I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
