he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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