Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize