Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
