I have demons in me.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
