1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
