Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize