Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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