if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
