420 ftw
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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