A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
