what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize