Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize