I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
