Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
