i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
