last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
