Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
