I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
