hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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