you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
