Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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