you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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