Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
