I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
