what day is it and did you see me today?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Church boner. Awkwardddd
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Randomize
