he puts the penis in happiness.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
