also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
